Hello!

 

Welcome to my blog on travelling with anxiety. Anxiety sucks, it really does, and I’m guessing a lot of you can relate to that. It’s one of those things that you really do have no idea how bad it can be, until you experience it. It takes over your life, and everyday becomes a struggle. There comes a point where you kind of have to make a stand though, and I feel that’s where I’m at now.

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At this point, I feel I should say that if you don’t suffer with anxiety, you’re still of course welcome, and thanks for visiting! I’ll be writing guides for the places I visit regardless, as well as paying some attention to music and sports, just a couple of the other loves in my life. There are thousands of travel blogs in the world, and I just wanted to share how I travel with anxiety in tow. I love writing, and it’s also somewhat cathartic to get these feelings out.

 

Some of my friends and family know, and some don’t, but it never hurts to express how you’re feeling. I’ve quickly realised that there are lots of people in a similar boat, and there are some amazing communities out there. It’s massively clichéd, but you are not alone.

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So how did I get here? Good question. I’ve always been a person that never stops thinking….my mum says I used to cry all the time as a baby, apparently the sign of an active imagination (sorry mum). I enjoyed school, and had a good group of friends. There was an incident where I was punched as a teenager, but I guess things really started changing in University.

 

I had three amazing years in a little Welsh town called Lampeter, but it’s clear now, that anticipation anxiety was beginning to become a part of my life. At the time, I had no real idea, but I almost always used to get worked up ahead of a big event. I’d inevitably end up ill on birthdays, or on our big end of year Graduation Balls, mostly because I’d relentlessly tell myself that you’re going to get ill.

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This continued as I left University, an irrational fear of future fun events had become part of who I am. Again, I didn’t have any real idea why this continued to happen, and anxiety was still a bit of an alien term. I’ve never really been the centre of attention, and happy in my own company a lot of the time. I like to think I’m pretty funny, and consider myself one of those guys who warms up the more you get to know me (this is beginning to sound like a dating site profile). The point is, I was just going through life, without really addressing the way I was feeling.

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This all changed during a trip to Portugal in 2012 with one of my closest friends. I remember laying on the sun-loungers, almost falling asleep, and suddenly jerking and being wide awake. I had no idea what was happening, but it was incredibly disconcerting (I believe the professionals call it a hypnic jerk).

 

My head felt cloudy a lot of the time, and I wasn’t relaxed until I’d had a few drinks. If I woke up in the night, that was usually it, I just could not get back to sleep. Our apartment was pretty high up, and even though I’ve never been a fan of heights, they never bothered me like they did here. My legs would go to jelly, and I’d have visions of just jumping over (hello intrusive thoughts!).

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It all came to a head on the final full day of our trip, where we visited a water park. I was on edge the whole day, and was convinced I was going to pass out. My breathing felt forced and laboured, and I had no idea what was happening to me. This was my first panic attack, and not knowing what the hell was going on, I took myself to hospital. After many hours, I met a doctor, who asked me in broken English, if I often feel nervous? And there it was…. I was given some tablets to calm me down, and travelled back to the UK the next day.

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Back home, and things didn’t really improve. I tried to play football a few days later, but these same panicky feelings returned, and I started making excuses as to why I couldn’t attend. If I went out, I was a mess until I’d had enough drinks to calm down.

 

An incident on a night out in March also put a dent into my recovery plans, as well as my head. I was pushed over, my face met one of those metal footrests you find in UK pubs and bars, and I ended up in accident and emergency. I'm left with a permanent scar, as well as a bit of a wonky nose.​

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I woke up the next morning with an immense sense of dread, and mentally, I was in a bad way for a considerable period after.

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Cardiff is my home town, and I had a season ticket for the local football side. Just attending games was proving difficult, and even as we celebrated promotion to the Premier League, I felt myself often wishing I was somewhere else.

 

A holiday with two of my best friends, and their lovely families was a bit of a disaster. Every day was a struggle, I could barely bring myself to use the pool, and it wasn’t until I was drunk that things felt normal. At this point, my doctor put me on fluoxetine, but things didn’t really change until I got a job with Sky Sports in the summer of 2013.

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I was still suffering with anticipation anxiety (I remember not sleeping before one of my first shifts), but gradually, things got better. I had to manoeuvre through Glastonbury Festival first, and coped as I did in Cyprus, by just drinking until I felt chilled. I remember going to watch the Rolling Stones, freaking out due to the amount of people present, and not being okay until at least a few songs in.

 

One of my lowest points came around Christmas time, and this time intrusive thoughts were to blame. I remember phoning my mum one Saturday night, simply saying “I need help”. Constant thoughts of dying came into my head, and I always remember thinking how this could be the way, considering I wasn’t remotely suicidal. The brain can be a scary place. I kept going though, attending hypnotherapy and things gradually improved.

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I’d still get bad before biggish events (friend’s weddings, work nights out etc.), but the panic and general anxiety were definitely subsiding. I, shock horror, almost felt ‘normal’ again, and what a feeling that was.

 

The next few years were great, meeting lots of people, attending lots of events, and travelling (The States for the Super Bowl, Glastonbury again, France watching Wales kick ass in the European Championships, and then Spain for a magical summer). I left Sky, and returned home after my Spanish adventure, excited for what was ahead. I started working with Google, and things were looking good. I was playing football regularly, and seeing my great friends and family, as well as my wonderful god-daughter, Millie. I was busy planning the next adventures, be them a new job, or more travel, and then, out of nowhere, huge setback.

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After a very, very, heavy weekend away with a group of friends, we were travelling back on a minibus, and I didn’t feel great throughout. Understandable I thought, especially after what we’d just put our bodies through. We were literally a minute or so away from the pub we were being dropped off in, and my body felt like it was being taken over. Shaking, dread, depersonalisation, the lot. I jumped off the minibus, and headed straight to the bathroom, hoping to sort myself out. Nothing. I went back outside, now aware a panic attack was taking place. I rested against a wall, and booked myself an uber home.

 

I made my excuses to my friends, and left them behind. My mum tried her best to calm me down, but nothing was really working. I watched some panic attack videos on YouTube, and in the end, took the last tablet I had remaining that the Portuguese doctor gave me those many years ago.

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I fell asleep, but still wasn’t right, and it’s been with me since then. This time around, I’m doing what I can to get better, and have slowly realised you can’t eradicate anxiety, you just need to manage it better. I’ve gone the other way to how I was last time, and now hangovers are my biggest fear. I can handle going out a lot better, but it’s the day after I’m at my lowest, with my mind full of intrusive thoughts and anxiety.

 

I then once again headed back to London, and that helped a great deal. I find having a routine helps me a lot, and I had a wonderful job as a social media producer for a sports radio station for just over two and a half years. London can get a bit too much though, and with the madness of 2020, I could feel things starting to build up. My mind once again started drifting to thoughts of leaving London, and I felt a change was needed.

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I've now decided to begin travelling again, and I'm very excited to get back out into the world! It is nerve wracking, and anxiety will be heading along for the ride, but I'm determined to not let it affect this journey. 

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My mind never stops, and this is still the case. Being idle is tough for me, and I even struggle watching TV sometimes as my mind wanders and I feel anxious. Even typing this, it seems ridiculous that such trivial and taken for granted things can have such a big effect, but that’s where we’re at.

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I honestly hope everyone who visits this site gets something from it. Please, feel free to email me any questions (talking to people definitely helps!), and feel free to like our social media platforms.

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Thanks.